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What to do...Where to go...My First Lockdown Birthday

Hey, it’s my birthday tomorrow. My first official lockdown Birthday, how exciting? Last year we were only just on the cusp of the crazy world that is “the rona”, and so I managed to sneak out with friends for one last final hoorah! What a night….what a mess. This year will be very different……or will it? OK, so I won’t be able to have physical contact with anyone (“I love you” drunken hugs), order a pint (aah a pint…sigh), dance (flail) on a dance floor, or slump into a taxi with a kebab tie around my neck. However, plans have been made.

I’m starting the celebrations by engaging in one of my thrice monthly “out out” visits to Tesco. What a treat. Now, this has become over the past twelve months the highlight of my social calendar; the difference with this special visit is that I may actually get dressed properly for the occasion. I usually bundle on what can only be described as a charity shop clothes buffet of over-sized jumpers, trakkie bottoms and Christmas themed socks (even when not Christmas). I look like a tramp at best! But no….not this time. I’m going to scour the wardrobe for something dazzling and delightful. That’s if I can even fit into what’s in my wardrobe of course….”the rona” has been a cruel mistress in that department. After treading the aisles of Mr Tesco in my F&F like Paris fashion week, and “trolleying” up my own body weight of Lambrini, my plans take a further familiar step forward. The support bubble.

Now, this poor adopted family have had to endure all my lockdown meltdowns, tantrums, alcohol fueled soap boxing (alcohol fueled everything in truth) alongside my (usually private) farting and occasional poor grooming habits, and more charity shop clothes buffets than you can shake a stick at. But that is the nature of the beast isn’t it? It’s their bubble duties! They have now seen the very worst of me and we can never go back. Tomorrow night however, I will give them the best of me. Birthday me. Where just like my newly sought out attire, my persona will be delightful, dashing, and demure. Well, that’s what we can all hope for. In truth it’s more likely I will eat all their food, drink all their drink, and bring my alcohol fueled everything to the party! Yay me….and yay to the bubble that continually look after me. Thank Christ for the bubble!! One thing is guaranteed for that night however…..and that is rock!

Yes the evening will be spent with our new found lockdown friend “Twitch”; for what would in the good old days have been our favourite rock club night out – but now an online version – “Wildside” There will be dancing, there will laughing, there will be rock! There will be almost definitely a hangover. These lockdown online events though have been somewhat of a saviour and an escape during lockdown haven’t they? It’s a way to re-connect with people, share some laughs, and enjoy music. But there are so many more of them popping up now. Such things as live northern lights events, tours of the Louvre and my personal favourite; a tour of Buckingham Palace. Can you imagine Prince Harry grabbing his go pro and secretly filming his Nan in her PJ’s immersed in her Oodie blanket (recently online purchased from Amazon) whilst tucking into a pack of Pringles and watching the latest episode of Gogglebox? Meanwhile Phillip shouts expletives at the tele as he nods back off on his throne whilst scratching his balls. Sign me up!!! Talking of the Queen, just like her I of course have two birthdays! The fun continues into Sunday…with a now birthday tradition of Superbowl Sunday!!

Now, my team (The Washington Redskins….erm sorry – “The Football Team”) have once again failed to even get within an armpit sniff of the Superbowl, and so like most of the Superbowl’s over the (what feels like) past twenty years, I will be cheering on the team that doesn’t contain Tom Brady. Out of principle – I just want some one else to win it!! That said, the Kansas City Chiefs won it last year, so who to pick now? I actually don’t care who wins it in truth, because what is most important about Superbowl Sunday is devouring as many Rustler burgers as is humanly possible and getting through the half time show without falling asleep! I usually am OK at the former but no so good at the latter. In both cases, alcohol by then has taken its further effect and, well, never the twain shall meet. Incidentally, the half time show this year is The Weeknd…..ya know the one….it goes “dur dur da dur dur dur durr” (repeat). But it got me thinking – How the eff are they going to do that this year? Normally you see the organisers wheel the stage onto the pitch (and wheel out the wannabe/has been performer), and then out run a collective of over enthusiastic youths, not seen since the days of top of the pops, waving their arms and pretending, with all there might, to be enjoying every painful moment! Well not this year. Will the Weeknd be joining us via “Teams” complete with comedy fake background and Norman Collier style broken up chat because they haven’t got premium Wi-Fi bandwidth? I may stay awake for this one! If I do make it until 4am Monday, the good news is, there is no work to get up for as I’m furloughed. The bad news is the bin men will take great delight in torturing me with their 7am collection. (Cue lockdown joke of the year re your bins going out more than you in 2020). My birthday lockdown weekend now complete….on reflection….it’s not all bad… it?

LoopStar BlogStar Feb 5th, 2021.

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